Self Harm
by Heloh
Summary: She does know one thing; People don't self harm to die. They do so to escape reality.To fight the demons who are tearing at their insides. They are fighting to stay alive.
1. Chapter 1

******Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail.**

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_**Self-Harm**_

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**Chapter One**

Carefully laid out on her lap is a black hand towel, and her tin, right in the middle. She opens the lid of the tin, and stares at its contents. What is it about a razor blade, pill bottle, or any other sharp object that is so aesthetically pleasing? What is it about a razorblade that is so intricate? She could just sit and stare at these objects for hours on end, analyzing every fine detail of its shape, and the capability it has to do anything as long as her hands guide it. What about a pill bottle? Knowing that what she's holding could possibly end it all? In the palm of her hand... Such simple items, that she could use on a daily basis, holds the capability to take someone's life. Her tin carries everything she would ever need for her own demise. If such desire ever arose of course. She would have it all, in her little red tin.

The items contained, if found by someone from the guild, or anyone else would probably terrify them...

_Natsu..._

A million questions would race through their minds, and not knowing a single answer...

_Would people think I am sick if they knew about this? Am I normal for doing so?_

Why do people make such a fuss over self-harm? She does know one thing. People don't self-harm to die. They do so to escape reality. To fight the demons who are tearing at their insides. They are fighting to stay alive, and cope with the immense pain in any way that they can, so if hurting themselves helps them cope, and makes that person feel good, or even better, feel alive, they should be able to do so without being placed in a mental institution.

_I'm so weak..._

Life is filled with fucked up people, doing fucked up things. Half of the time, actually scratch that. Ninety percent of the time, no one takes notice to the little things, for example, why this person is buying Wake Ups every 3 days? Or why someone is coming in to have their prescription filled weeks before the first was meant to run out. People do crazy things, and sometimes you're helping them but not even realizing what you're doing until it's too late.

_I'm so weak... I can't fight like you, minna..._

What is the proper term for someone who is mentally unstable? I am not quite sure how to address us. Crazy? Psycho? Mental? Fuck Ups?EMO? Those seem to be today's terms for anyone who has ever injured themselves on purpose. If you've never self-injured, you don't know what it's like. You don't understand, nor ever will, unless a day comes that you decide to pick up those scissors, or that knife, or that lighter even. Many people say that they understand the concept of self-harm. Only ones who do harm themselves truly understand the craving you get for it. The more you do it, the more you crave it. So you sit on your bathroom floor and drag that blade down the length of your arm, gritting your teeth, or some even smile as they feel the razors sharp edge caressing their skin. You sit and watch the blood seep out of your open wounds, smiling as those scarlet beads form and grow, and eventually drop to the cold floor beneath you.

_I'm sorry..._

What would it feel like if she pressed that blade down even harder? How much blood can she actually bleed? If this feels damn good, will it feel better if she do it more, and even deeper? Some think they can stop once they've started, some think that you can control the length, and depth of your incisions. Truth is, once you make that first cut, there is no going back. If you're in dire need for an escape, and you cut for the first time, it won't stop. Your first cut will most likely be thin, and shallow. But as time goes on, you will cut more. You will cut deeper, as the craving gets more intense with each passing cut. One cut turns into ten. Ten turns into twenty. Twenty turns into thirty. And once you run out of skin to play with on your arms, you turn to other parts of your body. You look to your legs, and start a new picture. Then, your stomach. Some even go as far as to slice their backs, and even their chests. Self-injury is a craving. It's an addiction. Once you start, you can't stop unless you get serious help.

Lucy smiled at the feeling of ecstasy caused by the pain; she put the bloody blades inside the tin and hid them behind the sink. She wiped the blood from her wrists and put two bracelets to hide the inflamed wounds; she dressed with her usual clothes and walked out of the apartment doing her way to the guild.

Stopping in front of the Fairy Tail doors, Lucy forced a smile...

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**Thank you for reading! Please, review!**

**-Heloh-**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi, here's the second chapter, thanks for the support, please forgive me for the mistakes of grammar, say what do think of the story and the things I should improve!**  
_**Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail.**_

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**Chapter Two**

Lucy sat in her usual place at the bar and ordered a strawberry juice to Mirajane, who was cleaning some glasses with a beautiful smile, _"Sure, Lucy."_ She still felt dizzy from loss of blood, and the injuries hurt like hell, but she didn't care. She looked around and saw the fire Dragon Slayer fighting with the Ice Mage _"PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON, ice princess"_ _"And if I don't, Fire Brain?"_ _"Ice Stripper"_ _"Walking Barbecue"_ _"ENOUGH"_ Erza shouted with a death stare, _"You are not fighting, are you?" "N-No, sir"_stuttered Natsu and Gray, _"A man does not stutter!" _Elfman shouted,_ "Shut up, damn"_ Natsu said punching the Elfman's face and starting another fight.

Lucy smiled at the scene, but her smile faded when she saw the small scar on Natsu's arm just above the elbow. He got that scar on they last mission together, when she was captured by a monster, Natsu risked his life to save her, and he ended up injured, all because of Lucy, that wasn't strong enough to fight alone... _It was my fault he was injured, and was also my fault that the guild was almost destroyed years ago by Phantom Lord ... All because I'm weak ... I should pay for it ... I should feel more pain ... I should ..._

_"Lucy, are you okay?"_ Her thoughts were interrupted by Mira, who had a worried look on the face, _"I'm fine ... I'm always fine, right?"_ Lucy looked away as she muttered the last word, _"I just want you to know that if you need someone to talk to, I'll always be here, OK?"_ said the barmaid_ "Thank you, Mira"_ Lucy smiled as she took a sip of the strawberry juice.

_"Luce! Let's go on a mission today!"_ Grinned Natsu scaring Lucy, who almost fell off her chair. _"Don't scare me like that, baka!" "Sorry"_said the Fire Dragon slayer with puppy eyes,_ "Okay, I need pay the rent this month ... About what is the mission?"_She asked,_ "Oh, is about some bandits who are terrorizing the residents of a village ... Or something like that ... But the reward is 200,000 J "_he said scratching the back of his neck._"Let's call Gray and Erz ..." "Luce ..."_ interrupted Natsu_ "I was wondering if we could go alone ...Only you and me..."_ He said looking away,_ "Did someone said 'mission'?"_ said Erza, who had just come out of nowhere, _"It's been a while since the last mission"_ Gray spoke involving Lucy's shoulders with his arms, who blushed with the counted. _"Take off your hands off her,pervert popsicle"_ Natsu growled. _"Let's go to the train station"_ said Erza _"But this mission was just for me and Lu ..." "NOW"_ Said the armor mage. Natsu lowered his head muttering _"Okay" _and grabbing Lucy's wrist to take her to the train station, but stopped when she screamed of pain and pulled her wrist back. Lucy felt the blood drain from the wounds and she pressed her hand over it, hoping to contain the bleeding. _"Luce, what is this?"_ Natsu asked trying to grab Lucy's arm, who held more far _"N-No, it's nothing!"_ She nervously answered. Natsu's nose twitched at the scent he hated most, the blood of Lucy. _"A-Are you bleeding? Are you hurt?"_ He tried to get closer, but she pulled away _"I-Im fine! I have to go pack my things, I'll see you at the train station!"_ She started to run to her apartment, she opened the door, ignoring the drops of blood falling on the floor, she washed her arm and wrapped it with bandages.

She sat on the train next to Natsu, who kept throwing up,_ "Lucy, what's that on your arm? Are you hurt?"_ Erza said looking at the bandages on the pulse of Lucy, "Yeah ... When I was washing dishes" lied, earning a disbelief look of Gray, who said nothing.

After completing the mission, the bandits were delivered to the police. The mages took the reward money, or what left of it, since the part was left to repair the damage done by a certain Fire Dragon Slayer who almost destroyed the entire forest. The team set out to find a hotel to stay at the night and heal the injuries caused by the battle. Again, the celestial mage almost blew all and put at risk the lives of her friends, who were injured trying protect her when her magic was already almost over, one of the bandits gave her a sword blow, she had closed the eyes waiting the pain, but it didn't come... Erza had set before her and received the blow in her place ...

Erza, who was now with a fractured shoulder, saying that everything was fine. Erza ... _That now was in pain because of me_.

Lucy buried her head in the bathtub watching as the roof of the hotel's bathroom was distorted by the water, she stood there for a few seconds enjoying the burning sensation of lungs, that were screaming for air... And wondering if she could stay there forever... The tears mixing with the water...

She got out of the tub and wrapped herself in a towel, at this time Natsu and the others should be exploring the hotel or sleeping. Sitting on the cold floor of white tiles of the bathroom, she opened her keys pouch and pulled out a small razor blade she had hidden, she didn't brought her precious red tin, she couldn't risk if someone find out about it..._They would never understand!_

Lucy smiled at the sight of the small blade in her hands, and smiled even more at the feeling of the first cut ... A pain relieving another pain ...

Two cuts ..._ I should have been strong enough to fight ..._

Four cuts ... _Erza was hurt because of me ..._

Eight cuts ..._ Erza bled because of me ..._

Lucy made another cut, a deeper than the others, enough to make the blood gush uncontrollably from her arm, she tried to press a hand towel over the injury, but the towel is soaked quickly and blood spread across the floor forming a puddle ...

_Damn, Damn, Damn ..._

She fought back tears, cringing on the bathroom floor, which previously has been white, but now it was stained with a sickly shade of scarlet ...

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**Thanks for reading, I'm thinking of changing the rating for M, or should it keep like T? PLEASE, REVIEW!**

**-Heloh-**


	3. SORRY!

_**I'm here to apologize for not updating the fanfic these days. I had written three entire chapters to post during the week, but my computer died and I lost the all files, and I don't know when it will return to work ... So I don't know when I'll update the fanfcition. I'm so sorry... I don't want to do a tragic final, but my darkside keep telling me to do it... What should I do?**_

**-Love, Heloh-**


	4. Chapter 3

**I'm so happy that my computer is working again, but unfortunately it had to be formatted and I had to rewrite the whole chapter, I literally did not sleep the whole night!**

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tai****l**_

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**Chapter Three**

_I can't die like this..._

Lucy was trembling uncontrollably while she cowers in the cold bathroom floor. She tried to press the pulse in the towel that she was involved in, trying to contain the blood, but the towel was totally soaked with the red liquid.

_What the hell I've just done?_

There was blood everywhere, as if they had dropped a can of scarlet ink all over the bathroom. Her breath was coming in short, pale, she squinted trying to hold back tears, that inevitably flowed down, her vision was blurred and she felt herself getting weaker ...

_Damn, damn, damn!_

She was clutching the wrist desperately; the red liquid was oozing through her fingers and arms, seeping from the other new cuts on her wrists...

_My keys..._

Trembling and almost without energy, Lucy tried to get up to get the keys that were in the sink, but she slipped and fell back on the ground with a painful thud, sobbing, she tried to crawl, barely moving because her arms were slipping on the blood ...

_Just a little more..._

She was on the floor in front of the sink, the keys were above it. Again, she tried to stand up, but slipped and returned to the ground. She stayed there, lying face down in the cold tiles spotted with scarlet...

Lucy was sleepy, her eyelids felt heavy and were threatening to close, her breathing was heavy now. Lucy, who was drenched in her own blood, lying in a sickly red puddle. She no longer felt any pain, stopped shaking, but still was cold...

_Everything is so cold..._

With the last strength she had left, in a weak breath she sucked some air on her lips and whispered...

_Natsu... Help..._

Immediately, the door has imploded. She could not hear or feel anything. A tuft of pink hair and a flash of golden light were the last things that Lucy saw before giving in to unconsciousness and fall into a deep sleep... A sleep that maybe she never wake up…

.

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.

When my mother died, my world fell apart, it was like everything around me was reduced to ashes ... My heart ... Reduced to ashes. My father started to become a cold creature, he only cared about work and money, he treated me as if I were a stranger. I had no friends, the only people with who I spoke were the employees of the mansion, but weren't there everytime. I was not allowed to go out and play with other the other kids ... Or know another kid ... Yes, I had the celestial spirits, but every time I called them, it reminded me of my mother, what was too painful, and I didn't wanted to bother them with simple things as asking for a hug, especially Aquarius. I felt so alone... I. . . I was alone.

I miss my mother... I miss her beautiful brown eyes, warm and full of love. Her melodious voice whispering sweet words, telling me everything would be fine. The feeling of her soft hands stroking my hair. I want to hold her, I want to hug her one more time, I want to say I love her, and hear her say that she love me too…

I couldn't eat or speak right, I didn't wanted to do anything anymore, even waking and breathing was like climbing Mount Everest.

One day, I accidentally got burned with a few drops of hot wax that dripped from a candle ... I felt so good, it was like a tiny part of the pain in my heart was relieved by physical pain...

When the emotional and psychological pain were too strong, I hitted or burned me with a candle, in parts of my body where maybe nobody would notice.

Once, my father was negotiating with some clients, and I asked him if he could tell me bedtime story later, I cringed at the coldness in his eyes, he scolded me, screaming with me for asking something so stupid and interfere in his work ... That night, I would sit closer to the fire ...

An employee of the mansion caught me "playing" with a candle ... I'll never forget the look in her eyes ... Looking at me as if I was sick ... A look of... Pity. Her name was Maryin, a gentle lady with a heart of gold, she didn't told anyone anything, she knew that if someone found out about me, my father probably would put me at a clinic where people don't care for each other. It was Maryin who helped me overcome some of my pain, she always talked to me and hugged me, and she even made a special cream that helped reduce the scars. It was hard but I stopped harming me... For a while...

I had less than 12 years old when all this happened.

Maryin moved out of the mansion and I cried when I saw my friend going away. I am very grateful to her.

It's been years and I finally ran away from home and ... And I met Natsu, who took me to Fairy Tail and I could smile a true smile since my mother was gone. I finally had a family ... I was finally was happy. But I still was weak; I always put my friends in danger because of me ... Because of my weakness...

Then, happened the incident with Phantom Lord, when the guild was almost totally destroyed along with my friends, who almost died to save me. That was the limit. I had a relapse. After the Phantom Lord was defeated, I ran towards my apartment, I threw myself on the soft bed and sunk my head on the pillow while I cried uncontrollably, tears soaking and darkening the bedsheets. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom, with trembling hands; I found what I was looking for. A small sharp scissor used to cut fingernails. I slid against the bathroom wall and sat on the cold floor, still firmly holding the scissor...

_I'm sorry ... Maryin_

I closed my eyes and sighed with pleasure at the pain of the first cut ... The third ... The sixth ... It was like a huge weight was taken away from my heart.

With tears in my eyes, I pressed a black hand towel on my wrist, where a thin line of blood formed. I got up and found a red tin and put the small scissor inside.

Over time, the cuts began to be made also in my legs, so I started to wear socks to cover them.

It was a way to release my emotions, focusing on the physical pain instead the mental. But as the mental and emotional pain was getting worse, the cuts also were getting worse and more frequent...

And came the day that I cut too deep...

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.

.

Natsu practically blew the door, his heart beating wildly, he had come running when he felt something was wrong with Lucy...

"_LUCY_" He cried out, but froze when he saw the bloodied blonde lying on the floor over a pool of blood spreading across the bathroom. There was a flash of golden light and Loke appeared, he started to say something, but stopped when he looked at Lucy.

Natsu ignored the Celestial Spirit. Trembling with tears streaming down his face, got on his knees and took the limp body of Lucy in his arms, not caring about the blood. His eyes widened when he saw the size of the cuts on her wrists.

Loke fell to his knees beside his master "_Oh, God ... Lucy …_". Natsu, who was gasping and sobbing, cradled Lucy in his arms. Loke extended fingers to feel her pulsation, and the color drained from his face.

Natsu caressed the pale face of Lucy still cradling her in his arms ... "_Everything will be fine Lucy, please, please Luce...You'll be fine..._ "

"_Natsu ... She is ... She is ..._"

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**Ohhhhh, I love drama!Thank you to all who are following this fanfic, thank you for your support! And yes, part of this fanfic is based on personal experience. Please, please review! I'm so sorry for the grammar mistakes, English isn't my native languare!**  
**-Heloh-**


	5. Chapter 4

**Hello! So... Yeah... After 5 months... Ok, I didin't had much time or inspiration to write... Ok, Ok I'm sorry! You can punish me for that... some S&M maybe... meow meow meow! I'm really sorry for the grammar mistakes, ****say what do think of the story and the things I should improve!**  


**__****Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail.**!

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**Chapter Four**

He couln't move, couldn't think or breathe seeing the limp and bloody form of the Celestial mage in his arms, both in the middle of a scarlet puddle. Loke put two fingers to check her pulsation, immediately the Lion got pale. The blood puddle got bigger with the addition of the tears of the Lion and the Slayer. Trying to stay firm, Leo, the powerful Lion Zodiac Spirit, couldn't hide the fear, the pain and the guilt in his voice.

"_Natsu, she's…She's…_"

It was as if the world stopped turning. Still firmly holding Lucy's body, he got in despair when could barely hear her heartbeats .The sound he always loved hearing when he crept into her bed, those that grew stronger when in battle or when she was angry, those that were soft when sleeping, those became frenetic when he looked in her eyes ...

Those who completed his ... Those that he swore to himself that would keep beating...

"_She's still alive ... But the pulse is very weak. Lost a lot of blood ... We have to take her to the hospital now or she will ... She will ... Oh Lucy, why you did it ... Why?_" The Lion, bathed in blood, wept on knees beside his beloved master couldn't bear to see her like that.

Coming out of the trance, Natsu stood up carrying the cold body of Lucy in his arms protectively. With the hair covering the eyes, he said in a cracked voice _"I will not let ..._" Whispered lifting his face to look at Loke on the floor…

_"I WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEN! I WILL NOT LET MY LUCY DIE! I WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEN_" He shouted. The spirit looked at him, Leo knew that look well ... The look of a man on the brink of the madness.

Without another word, scampered through the door followed by Loke.

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Erza was eating a piece of strawberry cake, Gray were helping her with the hurt arm. She and Gray were on their way from the room after hearing screams. They were still in the hotel lobby when they saw Loke running desperately followed by Natsu, who was carrying a bloody Lucy wrapped in a towel that was once white

"_What is happening? What happened to Lucy?_" Asked Gray. Natsu even looked at his face, just kept running. Loke stopped and cried "_She's very hurt. We must take her to the hospital. NOW!_"

The two mages and the spirit ran to follow Natsu. _Don't matter what happened, we must save Lucy! _The four thought in their own minds at the same time.

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Natsu was in pure despair, it was like in nightmares, when we run but the street gets lengthier, and the legs get heavy as lead. _I can't lose you, I can't lose you!_

He ran, clutching her closer. He knew it could to hurt her, but that wounds wasn't going to stay closed for long by the towel. He ran faster than he ever had, thoughts flying through his mind just as rapidly._ Don't die on me, Lucy! Don't you dare to die! Lucy, you will be fine, we'll get there in time_. He wanted so badly to believe that.

He glanced down at her; she was so broke. He knew she didn't have much time. "_Hold on Lucy. Just hold on. We're almost there._"

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Natsu exploded the hospital doors, everybody stared in shock at the salmon haired desperate boy crying, holding a bloody blonde that seems...dead!

"_HELP ME! SOMEBODY HELP ME! PLEASE!_"

Loke, Gray and Erza entered the hospital just after him. They saw when Natsu brought Lucy to the nurse on duty for the night.

"_Help her, please!_"

"_Oh my god_" Said the old woman seeing the girl in his arms. She gone quickly call the doctors, and Lucy was taken to the emergency area.

He broke, falling on the floor, crying loud. He felt a hand in his shoulder and saw Erza that had tears falling too. She hugged him, and Gray and Loke, that were sobbing, joined the hug. "_S-She will survive. She w-will l-ive_" Loke cried breaking too. "_She is strong_" Erza said between sobs. "_L-Lucy will be OK_" Whispered Gray. "_LUCE!_" Screamed Natsu "_SAVE MY LUCY_"

_"PLEASE, SAVE MY LUCY_"

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** Oh, fuq, that was short... Too short... **

**Shame on me. I'm really sorry!**

**Please, review! And if you have some time, take a look in my new story "By your side"**

**Thank you so much for reading!**

**-Heloh-**


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